Author Unknown quotes, page 20
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: I say that all our talk about "rehabilitation" is a lot of bunk! We don't give 'em a fair shot and help them when they get out.
Captain Rudy Olsen: Like that shot he gave you?
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: I shoulda known better.
Captain Rudy Olsen: So you made a moral choice? You got a hide like an alligator and a heart like a marshmallow.
Her'ak: No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You ended a sentence with a preposition, bastard!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Addressing what he thinks is a Krull warrior] Hey, how's it going? Guess it's just you and me, huh. It's a little strange, isn't it? See that weapon I shot you with should have killed you. What's even stranger is you guys usually don't take prisoners either. I mean it's kinda kill first and... no, that's generally just about it, just the killing.
Inspector Steve Keller: [after Stone releases Jason] I just hope Olsen doesn't call it a mistake.
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: You know what?
Inspector Steve Keller: What?
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: If it was my first, I'd worry.
Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
Jack O'Neill: Is that a "money back if you're not completely alive" guarantee?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [to Shaka, who's just refused Daniel's energy bar] Now, don't say 'ka' till you've tried it.
Jeannie Stone: [Mike and Jeannie prepare dinner] Wait a minute. You said something about wine.
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: In the refridge.
Jeannie Stone: Chilled, huh? Must be white. White must be fish or fowl.
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: Everybody in this family's gotta be a detective.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: And she's just gonna hand it over?
Jack O'Neill: If we take her back with us.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, can we just do that? I mean, we don't even know what she's in here for.
Captain Samantha Carter: What are *we* in here for?
Jack O'Neill: Jaywalking, I think.
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: [Crying out in pain] Whoa!
Jeannie Stone: What happened?
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: [Sucking his finger] I burned my finger.
Jeannie Stone: Trigger finger?
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: The one I type my reports with.
Damaris: It makes no difference what you do to me. But know this, the Ori are all-seeing. They are already aware of this affront to their eminence, and shall strike down those who dare to defy them.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Nothing yet. You?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Drawin' a blank. A little thirsty.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: That doesn't count.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, it doesn't.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Daniel awakes from being strangled] What happened?
Jack O'Neill: Oh, you actually won a fight Danny-boy.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't particularly remember getting the upper hand.
Inspector Steve Keller: He didn't give me a chance, Mike.
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: Happens sometimes. Maybe nobody gave him one either. Like Lenny said, "In the beginning, there was childhood."
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: [Discussing the rapist] Well, what about his m.o.? Doesn't that tell you enough to translate for us?
Dr. Lenny Murchison: What, the corner market? That's a natural, a regular game preserve. Chicks on display there like all the rest of the merchandise. Shouldn't need a psychiatrist to tell you that.
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: [On stake out for a serial rapist] Doesn't matter how many times you've done it, it still makes your skin crawl. A loose screw sitting out here somewhere in the dark, or walking around in that market, watching women. And they don't even know he's there. Gotta hand it to gals like Evelyn.
Inspector Steve Keller: To be bait for a rapist? I wouldn't do it.
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: You don't have to worry, buddy-boy. Not with legs like yours.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Daniel and the Unas are tossing the dead symbiote between them] Right. Uh, yes, uh, toss the symbiote-head. That's, uh, very-very popular. Uh, very-very interesting. Yes. Yes, all the kids are doing this.
Senator Robert Kinsey: If they're so strong, why did ya switch sides in the first place?
Teal'c: Because, what is right cannot be measured by strength.
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: [Watching the reconciled Dancys leaving together] They deserve each other.
Inspector Steve Keller: Oh, come on, they love each other. It's obvious, like... what was that line he said? "A trout in the milk." Beautiful. Really beautiful.
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: You like that line, huh?
Inspector Steve Keller: Yeah.
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: Well, that ain't Dancy. That's Thoreau.
Inspector Steve Keller: C'mon?
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: Henry David Thoreau. That's where Yale Courtland Dancy stole that line. You can't let this job stifle your mind, buddy-boy. You gotta keep yourself free, easy, for cultural pursuits, y'know? That's right. Good reading, good music. Bowling. But you, that's all you think of is women!
Colonel Frank Simmons: [speaking to Adrian Conrad through the com] Spare me the super-villain riff. We're on the clock here.
Samantha Carter: [Daniel is inspecting the burn hole in Carter's uniform] Hey! What are you looking at?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I felt that blast kill me. I mean, I thought I... I thought we were dead. Weren't we dead?
Samantha Carter: Yeah.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Okay. Well, I thought heaven would be a little more 'upscale.'
Samantha Carter: Uh, I don't think this is heaven.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Senator, we have reason to believe that the Goa'uld are about to launch an attack, in force, in ships.
Senator Robert Kinsey: Then I think they'll regret taking on the United States military.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, for God's sake!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, you're right. We'll - we'll just upload a computer virus into the mothership.
Rembrandt Van Saveneau: If Evanhauer dies, it'll be the greatest contribution to art since the invention of the frame.
Major Samantha Carter: What were you thinking breaking the nose of an upperclassman like that?
Air Force Cadet Jennifer Hailey: Swing high?
Charley Johnson, Lab Technician, SFPD: A planchet. That's...
Inspector Steve Keller: A metal disc that's ready to be stamped into a coin, right?
Charley Johnson, Lab Technician, SFPD: Right.
Inspector Steve Keller: [In response to Stone's stunned facial expression] They use it in crossword puzzles a lot.
Detective Lt. Mike Stone: You got time to do crossword puzzles? I don't give you enough to do around here, huh?
Samantha Carter: So you built that... stargate?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: *Way* smarter than we are.
Jack O'Neill: Ours is bigger.
Leon Robinovitch: You won't forget to turn out the lights, will you Counsel?
Brian Malony: I had you. The jury ignored the judge's charge.
Leon Robinovitch: Reasonable doubt, Brian, reasonable doubt.
Brian Malony: This isn't over. I'll be recommending the Crown appeal.
Leon Robinovitch: [laughs] They won't. After all, how many judgeships can Drury promise?
Brian Malony: What are you talking about?
[Leon and Brian look to the back of the courtroom and see Laura Crosby in the doorway]
Leon Robinovitch: Justice, Malony. Getting drunk and bragging about the job is no way to ascend to the bench, Brian.
[after Leon and Laura leave, Brian picks up his briefcase and starts smashing it against a table]
Samantha Carter: Daniel, when you were in this alternate reality, were there differences?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes. Uh, Teal'c was leading the attack on Earth, I wasn't even part of the program, you and Jack were engaged to be married...
Jack O'Neill: Excuse me?
Samantha Carter: What... okay, uh, even if you did actually experience this alternate reality, doesn't the very fact that there were differences mean that we won't face the same fate?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes. But the defining event, the death of Ra, took place in both worlds.
Teal'c: An attack of retribution.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes. And the same thing is gonna happen here unless we stop it.
Jack O'Neill: All right. Wait a minute. Let - let me get something straight here. Engaged?
Samantha Carter: It is theoretically possible.
Jack O'Neill: It's against regulations.
Samantha Carter: I'm talking physics, sir.
Charles 'Chuck' Tchobanian: [Chuck and Olivia are about to make love in the courthouse. Chuck reaches in to pull off her underwear] Olivia, how many times have I told you to wear underwear in court?
Major General: It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around here.
Jack O'Neill: How 'bout a bake sale? Yard sale? Garage...?
Major General: This is what I look like when I'm not laughing, Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: Car wash?
Guile: [while fighting Ryu] You youngsters run out of energy before you even get started. Me, I can kick your ass all night.
Vala Mal Doran: Don't worry. I'm not gonna hurt you.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Thank God.
Vala Mal Doran: Much. I hope.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Look, doctor, this is another planet.
Dr. Hamilton: Actually, it's a moon. We're orbiting that gas giant.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, well, if it's a *moon*, go ahead do whatever you want. What could happen?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: P2A-509
Jack O'Neill: Little brain damage along the way
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, uh, SG-3 was scheduled to go on a mission to P2A-509. General Hammond said so in our last planning briefing. We rendez-vous with SG-3 and we use their remote transmitters to get home.
Jack O'Neill: And this just, came to you?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, this came to me while I was suffocating.
Jack O'Neill: Then, P2A-509 it is. Linea, do they send food... and I'll use that term loosely... does it come through the gate on a regular basis?
[Noblet hooks Jerry up to a machine that will indicate whether she is lying through green and red lights]
Mr. Chuck Noblet: What's your favorite color?
Jerri Blank: Lemon!
[Red bulb lights up with a buzz]
Jerri Blank: Rust.
[Green bulb lights up with a ringing noise]
Mr. Chuck Noblet: What's your favorite food?
Jerri Blank: Crepes Suzette!
Jerri Blank: Meatballs.
Mr. Chuck Noblet: If you could be any animal, which would it be?
Jerri Blank: [Jerry stealthily slips her hand over the red bulb] Kitten?
Jerri Blank: Snake.
Mr. Chuck Noblet: Well, at least we know you can't lie.
Jerri Blank: I have to snitch on my locker mate.
Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: What is she, gay?
Jerri Blank: No, retarded.
Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: Most of them are.
Jerri Blank: What?
Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: Gay people! How did you find out, did you make a pass at her? She'd have to be retarded to turn you down!
Captain Samantha Carter: We need power.
Linea: There are many forms of power, my dear. Some more subtle than others.
Jack O'Neill: Well, for the moment, we just need the electrical kind.
Chuck Noblet: All right everybody, for tomorrow I want you to write a history poem on Hiroshima. But nothing too faggy. And remember, I need the permission slips for this week's trip to Good Time Island.
Girl Student: Where's *your* permission slip?
Chuck Noblet: SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH.
Samantha Carter: Sir, what makes you so confident?
Jack O'Neill: Because Lya is a fair and insightful person who will vote our way. Besides, she likes us.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Lya likes everyone. That's the Nox way.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That warm, fuzzy feeling you're experiencing may be the effects of a device that's inhibiting your ability to concentrate and focus your powers.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Symptoms may include dizziness, irritability...
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Nausea.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Mild nausea, and a condition known as hotdog fingers.
Vala Mal Doran: Did you have fun taking off my clothes?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It was your idea.
Vala Mal Doran: No, I meant when I was conscious. You know, so I could distract you and kick you in the head.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I kept my eyes closed the whole time.
Vala Mal Doran: Sure you did.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, where are we goin'?
Vala Mal Doran: I told you, to save my people. Can you please let me out of here?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ohhhhhh, no.
Vala Mal Doran: You know, I haven't eaten in days.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Could you please tell me how to access the navigation controls?
Vala Mal Doran: It isn't very nice, you know, starving a prisoner to death. Come on, Daniel, you've seen me naked. The least you could do is cook me dinner.
Charles 'Chuck' Noblet: Oh and don't forget to bring your permission slip to good time island.
girl student: [laughs] Where's your permission slip?
Charles 'Chuck' Noblet: SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH!
Teal'c: [Teal'c is preparing to shot O'Neill with a zatgun so that the electromangetic field will repel the energy based life forms] Are you ready, O'Neill?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No. Give me a warning.
Teal'c: [Teal'c point the zat at O'Neill] I'm going to shoot you.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I was thinkin' more along the lines of "On three".
Colonel Jack O'Neill: O.K. One.
[Teal'c shoots him]
Charles 'Chuck' Noblet: Be careful, if provoked she could fly into a rage with the strength of an ape and no remorse, not even a bullet could bring her down.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I am so sorry. I was just finishing up a lovely brunch.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: No tuna.
Jay Felger: At least my heroes exist. If this was a Trek convention, you'd be all dressed up like a Klingon.
Simon Coombs: Vulcan, Felger, Vulcan! And I don't know how you can call yourself a scientist and not warship at the alter of Roddenberry.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I didn't let you go in the first place. What makes you think I'm gonna change my mind?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Because...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Can you try to do better than that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Because they're going to need somebody who can translate Ancient. I'm the most qualified person left on the planet for the mission.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Which is exactly why you're gonna stay right here.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [desperately] Because I'll quit!
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Why don't you just hold your breath? You haven't done that in a while.
Chuck Noblet: Hey, this'll be fun. Let's have a debate. Jerri will defend the godless savages, and everyone else will attack Jerri.
Jerri Blank: What?
Chuck Noblet: Don't be afraid to get personal. The objective is to win, or, rather, to attack Jerri.
Jerri Blank: I don't know anything about Indians because I'm *not* an Indian!
Chuck Noblet: A cunningly savage denial, Jerri. Alright, fact: a peaceful, napping General Custer was murdered in his sleep by bloodthirsty Indians while he was on a family camping trip!
Vala Mal Doran: Ow. Ow, you hit me!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You hit *me*.
Vala Mal Doran: Yeah. You know, we could just have sex instead.
Chuck Noblet: Now where did we leave off yesterday? Ah, yes, the rape of the American West by the soulless red man. Now, no one's really sure what the Indians were doing to the buffalo, but it must have been pretty damn sick, because millions of these noble animals committed suicide by jumping in front of the white man's guns.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: It's a Norwegian cheese, I think. Spelled with a "G" or a "J", maybe both. Jgetost, Gjetost, something like that. So then, what you do is you dice up the cheese, you toss it in with egg whites, then you chop up some avocado, throw it all together... whoa, daddy! You've got yourself a wicked omelet. General! We were just exchanging recipes.
Major General Hank Landry: I heard. Has he offered up anything?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: No, sir. The man doesn't even have a decent pie crust.
Jerri Blank: You don't wanna beat me or screw me. What kind of marriage is this? Bring a book.
Jerri Blank: Why did you spread those vicious lies?
Drake Rogers: Cus you didn't spread those vicious thighs.
Major Samantha Carter: [about a group of trainees] Try to remember when you were in their shoes.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I wore boots.
Jerri Blank: Well, I have to go to the ladies room. Tammi, you wanna come along?
Tammi Littlenut: I don't have to go.
Jerri Blank: You don't have to make a tinkle or a poo-poo?
Tammi Littlenut: No, Jerri.
Jerri Blank: Are you sure, Tammela? Maybe once you get in there, you'll have to make a wee-wee or a turdy.
[Tammi catches on]
Tammi Littlenut: Do you wanna go to the bathroom and talk?
Jerri Blank: I guess we *could* talk if you don't need to make a stinky.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [after a training simulation] Okay! So, we're all dead, and there's an armed Goa'uld on the loose! I gotta problem with that. Anybody else gotta problem with that?
Jerri Blank: Shazam. Look. Drake Rogers. Mmm, he makes me all puffy down there. I'd love to tame his blue vein swayback throbber.
Tammi Littlenut: What do you mean, Jerri?
Jerri Blank: Take him backstage behind the meat curtain, know what I mean? I'm talkin' about pounding out the veal.
Tammi Littlenut: Are you thinking about having sex already?
Jerri Blank: Does a pimp carry a razor?
Tammi Littlenut: I don't know...
Jerri Blank: Trust me, they all do.
Jack O'Neill: Wasn't I just...?
Samantha Carter: Killed.
Jack O'Neill: Killed as in...
Samantha Carter: Dead.
Jack O'Neill: Dead.
Samantha Carter: Yeah, we know. We saw it happen. Same thing happened to us.
Jack O'Neill: Well, this is a surprise, then.
Sam Carter: As far as our computer is the dialing sequence to P3X 584 ran perfectly normal.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Except for the fact we ended up 12,000 light years off course.
Sam Carter: A normal human brain, you or I, say, should show roughly five to ten percent coverage.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Me being five, you being ten
Agent Richard Woolsey: All we have heard is that the Ori *must* be taken more seriously than the Goa'uld, that the Priors who represent them are extremely powerful and dangerous in their own right. And yet, in the months since this threat emerged, not one proposed countermeasure, not one shred of technology, not even so much as a theory or strategy to fight these missionaries has resulted from ongoing Stargate operations until now. And you want to freeze him.
Major General Hank Landry: Go, go, you're on a roll.
Her'ak: I am Her'ak. First Prime to Lord Khonsu of Amon Shek.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Very impressive. Got a résumé?
Her'ak: I captured you.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes. Right, you did. Well done. You've got the job.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait. Wait!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: What? I was lookin' for the light switch.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: New guy!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Hey, you touched that.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I-I know how to read that.
Geoffrey Jellineck: Why am I in a ladies' jail? I am a man!
Jerri Blank: Faggot.
Jerri Blank: My asshole's hungry, baby.
Geoffrey Jellineck: If you're going to smoke Marijuana, be prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends.... think about it.
[SG-1 pops out the Gate in the middle of a beautiful garden]
Captain: This is beautiful.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah. But where there's a garden, there's snakes.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: And flowers.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Way too many flowers.
Geoffrey Jellineck: Yeah, I used to get stoned. A few years back, I was pretty down. I had just started this job, and my plugs weren't taking, my parents were brutally murdered, and I was fat. So I turned to pot hoping it would solve all my problems. But you know something? The only thing it fixed was my life.
Geoffrey Jellineck: I know it feels good. I know we've all read the "scientific" studies that say it's not addictive and that there are no side effects. But scientists don't smoke pot. We do. And that's the difference. Look, all I'm saying is if you still wanna smoke pot, then be prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends. Think about it.
[Reynolds has just rescued Hammond from the hull, but Hammond is unconscious]
Colonel Reynolds: General? General? Sir!
Sgt. Walter Harriman: Is he breathing?
[Reynolds shakes his head no]
Dr. Lindsey Novak: He may need mouth-to-mouth.
[Reynolds looks dismayed at the prospect; she glares at him impatiently, so he reluctantly moves Hammond's head. Just as he is about to start mouth-to-mouth, Hammond coughs]
Colonel Reynolds: Oh, excellent! Excellent waking up, sir.
[Vala has just healed Daniel with a Goa'uld device]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You're a Goa'uld.
Vala Mal Doran: No. But I was once a host to one.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Which would explain the naquadah in your blood that lets you use Goa'uld technology.
Vala Mal Doran: And how I can quickly learn to fly this rather primitive ship.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, so primitive, one would wonder if it was worth the bother.
Vala Mal Doran: Well, in this case it's the size that matters.
Vala Mal Doran: Actually, pretty much in every case.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't know anything about the ship.
Kull Warrior: But you are very attractive.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: ...What?
[the Kull warrior slowly walks up to Daniel and stands just in front of him]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [very fast] Hey, you know, big guy. I'm flattered, really I am, it's just that, uh, you're not my type. And I'm more than a little disturbed that I *might* be yours.
[the Kull warrior begins to remove its helmet. Daniel screws his eyes shut in horror]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't have to do that! Don't, don't, don't! NO!
[He opens his eyes and realises that the Kull is actually a beautiful woman]