Beau McCloud: [discussing Sunset] You know, Tina, she's a pretty good-lookin' girl - almost as pretty as you are. Now listen, don't worry about me. I've been a round a little bit.

Tina Swenson: So has she.

Michael Kelso: You guys are making a pretty good case that I'm the stooge.

Steven Hyde: Well if you're not, there's a guy who's about to step on a rake that I really wanna meet.

[Jim is taking his driver's test]

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Psst. What does a yellow light mean?

Bobby Wheeler: Slow down.

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: OK. What... does... a... yellow... light... mean?

Bobby Wheeler: Slow down!

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: OK. Wwwwhhhaaaat dooeesss aaaa yyyeeeellllowwww lllliiiight mmmmeeeannn?

Bobby Wheeler: Slow down!

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: OK. Wwwwwwhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaat dddddddoooooooeeeeeesssssssss aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa yyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllloooooooowwwwwwwww liiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhtt mmmmmeeeeeeaaaaaan?

[discussing the drover Kalo pistol-whipped]

Kalo: What are you going to tell him?

Sunset: Just that he passed out right after he kissed me.

Kalo: Now I know why I like you, baby - you're all heart.

Cammy: I'm tired, Ford. I want out.

Ford: There is no way out. Face up to it, we belong together. You gonna tell me why? You know the answer, tell me.

Cammy: 'Cos we're zombies...

Ford: That's right. Ghouls... the walking dead... whatever you want to call us, we're no longer part of the world out there. The living can't be trusted.

Jimmy Picket: Neither can the dead!

Reverend Kilgore: I'll pray for God to ride with you.

Bill Longley: I'll be very happy to have his company, but I think I'll ride the back trails just the same.

Bob: Nice couch!

Judy Beauchamp: Yeah. But the dog tore it up. We're thinking of having him fixed.

Bob: [desperately] Oh, he'll be good from now on!

[first lines]

Jim Hardie: 11: 30 on the nose. Punctuality - one of the few virtues you ever had, Jeremiah.

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: [having put a quarter in the cigarette machine instead of the jukebox] They haven't played my cigarette yet!

Jim Hardie: Seems to me Molly has seen a good deal for a youngster her age.

Molly: Youngster? Mister, I've been places you've never been!

Jim Hardie: Well, it's possible I suppose, but then I've seen a lot of youngsters in places they shouldn't have been.

Terry Lee: Aw, relax, Chops. You're in the clear - that's the main thing.

Chopstick Joe: Lots of guys have said that just before the jury's brought in the wrong verdict.

Marty DePolo: As soon as I start working my angel magic on you, you're gonna be hanging out with that crowd.

[He points down the hall]

Steve Beauchamp: What, the janitors?

Marty DePolo: No! Look, them.

[the group of janitors move aside and we see a group of students that were standing behind them]

Marty DePolo: Over there. Jordan Lubell and his buds. The cool kids.

Steve Beauchamp: Sure, they're cool now. But where will they be in 20 years?

Marty DePolo: Well, let's see.

[Marty snaps his fingers and everyone freezes. Jordan, the cheerleader and the other guy step forward]

Cheerleader: I'm going to be a supermodel and marry an 80 year old billionaire.

Jordan Lubell: I'm going to be vice-president of the United States.

Guy: I'm going to sell shoes to the vice-president of the United States.

Steve Beauchamp: Wow, they are cool! Except for Shoe Boy.

Beau McCloud: A man would have to be pretty foolish to cross that desert.

Jim Hardie: Foolish or part lizard.

Jimmy Picket: You ever tasted zombie blood? It's putrid! Like beer that's gone bad. One sip and you are shittin' your stomach linin' into the bowl!

Ford: I gotta hand it to ya, bloodsucker, you paint a pretty picture, trouble is, not one word of it's true!

Cammy: He's right! We're no different than you!

Jimmy Picket: Blasphemy! Your kind are garbage eaters! Mindless, lazy critters who live off the flesh of the dead! You feast on what we vampires throw away! Now bow down to me, bitch and show your master some respect!

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Ooh, there are a *nice* little surprise inside.

Louie De Palma: What are you talking about?

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Well, I could be wrong, but I detect something in here that's a lot more powerful than oatmeal.

Justin Brox: Now you try to understand, Beau, we had to try to lead you on. Our cause is worth the price of everthin'!

Beau McCloud: Even honor?

Ford: Don't you see? That's our bond! We're in this together! We're two of a kind!

Cammy: I don't believe that anymore... people are more accepting...

Ford: People are shit!

Terry Lee: Hey, looks like we're coming into some rough weather.

Hotshot Charlie: Maybe we can fly over it.

Terry Lee: I don't know. I don't think this can of propellers can make the altitude. Maybe you ought to go back and check the cargo.

Hotshot Charlie: What does the manifest say we're carrying?

Terry Lee: Chops' own handwriting - 400 pounds of raw silk.

Hotshot Charlie: You mean Chops loaded it; wrote out the bill of lading himself?

Terry Lee: That could be anything from raw silk to samples of Fort Knox.

Fez: This could be my last day in the country. We should make love.

Donna Pinciotti: What?

Fez: Don't worry, it will be over before you know it.

Dr. Webster: Tony, has any doctor ever advised you to quit boxing?

Tony Banta: Yeah, I suppose.

Dr. Webster: You suppose.

Tony Banta: I mean a lot of guys have yelled at me to get out of the ring. Some of them might have been doctors.

Kalo: You're making a small mistake, mister. My friends and I were on our way out of town and...

Beau McCloud: That was *your* mistake... You should have left sooner.

Kyle Stewart: Who are you?

FBI Agent Daniel Waldo: My name's Waldo.

Kevin "Trek" Sanders: Oh, hey. They finally found you.

Matt Blackner: Jim, I lied to you about my daughter wishing me well. She wishes me nothing for me but the kind of misery she's had.

[Bill dons Reverend Kilgore's clothes]

Doctor: You're a fine-lookin' reverend!

Bill Longley: Thank you.

Reverend Kilgore: Except for one thing.

Bill Longley: What?

[pointing to Bill's gunbelt]

Reverend Kilgore: That.

Steve Beauchamp: You've got class, Bob!

[sees Bob in toilet stall]

Steve Beauchamp: Don't drink out of the toilet!

Davey Hewitt: That's what the warden told me to do - workin' my way up again from the bottom of the stall.

Jim Hardie: Well, he told you right, boy. You're still young. You can build a good life for yourself.

Davey Hewitt: Save your breath. The judge gave the same lecture.

Jim Hardie: He also gave you two years when he could have given you twenty. It might be well if you remembered that.

Chopstick Joe: You and your cheesecake. A noose is around my throat and all he can think of is dames!

Terry Lee: Yeah, where are your feelings, Chaz?

Hotshot Charlie: In there with Miss Dixieland of 1952.

Marty DePolo: [told he is Steve's new guardian angel] Me? I'm sorry, you're making a big mistake.

God's cousin Rod: Hey! We don't make mistakes! Well, there was the Bubonic plague... oh, and that awful Chevy Chase show, eww.

Beau McCloud: The rebel cause will live forever as long as Justin Brox is alive.

Jim Hardie: Sergeant Justin Brox.

Beau McCloud: There was a man in France who was just a corporal - he rose to power.

Jim Hardie: Right, he did - and he died in exile, but not until he brought his country to its knees.

Det. Sgt. George Carter: I want to ask you about last Wednesday. Were you in about eleven?

Dot Plummer: Oh, I'm always in, love - except when I go out.

Det. Sgt. George Carter: [sarcastically] Really?

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Well, isn't this great, we've all learned something. Tony can't choose who his sister's gonna fall for, Monica can't choose who she's gonna fall for, and I think that I've learned the greatest lesson of all. I love being lifted.

Jeb Gaines: You know, you don't dance as onery as you look.

Ovie: Well, all right, but I'm warnin' you - you step on my feet one more time, I'm going to have you jailed for assault and battery.

Priest Jonathan: I shall not even dignify what you're implying with an answer other than this: If I am to complete yet another book and keep pace with my lecture tours, I need another secretary.

[Jackie's mum has left home]

Kitty Forman: Honey, do you have any idea where she might be?

Jackie Burkhart: Well, the last postcard I got had a picture of some guy with a bone through his nose. What is that, like, Tennessee?

Michael Kelso: I can't believe I'm the stooge.

Jackie Burkhart: Michael, it's just the way some people are, okay? Some people are lazy, some people are clumsy, some people are stooges.

Steven Hyde: You're lucky enough to be all three.

Judy Beauchamp: Heaven is a very special place. All your loved ones go there.

Katie Beauchamp: Even my sea-monkeys?

Judy Beauchamp: Even your sea-monkeys.

Katie Beauchamp: So everything you flush down the toilet goes to heaven.

Judy Beauchamp: Well, not everything.

Grey Man: You must go to Dos Mesas and get Justin Brox and the plate.

Jim Hardie: And what if I should fail?

Grey Man: You won't, Mr. Hardie. You were selected for two reasons - first, because you're a horseman and second, because we checked your Wells Fargo record and found that you've never failed.

Jim Hardie: There's got to be a first time for everybody. What if this is it?

Grey Man: I shall weep for you... at your funeral.

Judge Whittaker: Since Mr. Longley is responsible for the demise of your husband, he's got to support you and yours until such time as you get married again.

[Iris looks at Bill more closely]

Iris Crawford: Well, now... My... He'll do.

[Bill grabs the sheriff's badge]

Bill Longley: Well, what about this?

Sheriff: Don't rub all the shine off, son. Besides, Phillipsburg's outside my jurisdiction. Just pay a little attention to the Junction City Museum of Art and Culture.

[the sheriff hands Bill a stack of wanted posters]

Sheriff: See any friends... or enemies?

Alex Rieger: All you get for the fight tonight is twenty dollars?

Tony Banta: Who else do you know rakes in five dollars a second?

[last lines]

[writing in her journal]

Katherine Anne Murdock: As the train twisted its iron way through the limestone hills, I knew that I had learned something about myself as I learned about them. The arms of the West are open to those who believe and are unafraid. I think I'm welcome there now.

Steve Beauchamp: Thanks, Jessica. Bye.

[hangs up]

Steve Beauchamp: All right! I've got a date with Jessica Fishman!

Marty DePolo: [who was really on the phone] Oh no!

[drops the phone]

Marty DePolo: I have a date with Steve Beauchamp!

Jim Hardie: Harry Edwards - is that the bird that calls himself the El Paso Kid?

Deputy Sheriff Sam Leary: We had a dodger on him a couple of days ago.

Jim Hardie: Yeah, we had word from Granite City that he was there two or three weeks back. The El Paso Kid. Hmmph. Every outlaw or would-be outlaw since Billy the Kid poppped up has called himself the Something-or-Other Kid. The Texas Kid, the New Mexico Kid, the...

Wife: Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!

Chopstick Joe: You come in on the Canton flight? Where's my Romeos?

Georgia: I declare you've got the darlin'est flyer in the world! I'm so crazy about him, I can't tell you.

Chopstick Joe: Lieutenant, all right if I go talk to my flyboys? Cornpone is too much for me.

Kyle: Just thought you should know, you're a dead man.

Marty DePolo: Duh! Oh, you mean him!

Jim Hardie: [narrating] This is Deadwood, South Dakota, the toughest town in all of the West. Life is cheap here and the gunslingers came 13 to the dozen.

Latka Gravas: [after seeing the damage to Cab 804] I Quit!!!

Man #1: May I propose a toast?

Beau McCloud: Please do.

Man #1: To our glorious union!

[the toaster notices Beau has not joined in the toast]

Man #1: Perhaps the gentleman didn't hear...

[Beau throws his glass on the floor]

Beau McCloud: I heard you, but I'm afraid I dropped my glass.

Cammy: I thought you said this beautiful borough had a bank?

Ford: Shut up!

Cammy: How sweet, Ford! D'you French kiss your mother with that mouth?

Cutter: Nice one!

Chopstick Joe: Okay, so you're backing out on me just when I need you most and you won't even tell me why!

Hotshot Charlie: You hear that, T. Lee? He thinks we're pilots.

Terry Lee: I wonder where he got that idea?

Hotshot Charlie: The way I hear it, pilots get paid for flappin' their wings.

Terry Lee: And we haven't been paid a buck for two months.

Hotshot Charlie: So if you don't get paid, you're not pilots.

Terry Lee: If we're not pilots, we can't jockey a plane to Singapore - right, Chaz?

Hotshot Charlie: Right, T. Lee.

Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: Thanks so much Latka for sharing this with us.

Latka Gravas: You known in my country everyone shares with everyone.

Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: Oh that's beautiful.

Latka Gravas: Otherwise they shoot you.

Jim Hardie: I hoped you'd retired from the road, Matt.

Matt Blackner: You don't retire from the road, lad, you die in office... A hard meaningless life, Mr. Hardie, but it was a man's life and I'll miss it.

Crypt Keeper: Well, Psyche can work that old black magic on me anytime she wants.

Michael Kelso: Come on, Eric, we're a team.

Jackie Burkhart: Yeah. Michael is the looks, Steven is the brain, and you? Your house has food.

Lou-Lou: [referring to Reverend Jim] How many fights has he been in?

Alex Rieger: Just the one with reality.

Molly: Mr. Flagg, what is your first name?

Coleman Flagg: Well, it ain't Stupid, little girl.

[Kitty and Red think there's a burglar in their house]

Kitty Forman: What if the burglar has Steven?

Reginald "Red" Forman: Well, then we'll try to talk him into taking Eric, too.

Marty DePolo: We'll say it on the count of three at the same time. Okay, 1, 2, 3.

God's cousin Rod: I love you!

Marty DePolo: I didn't know you cared.

Sheriff: Somethin' botherin' you about that fellow, Jim?

Jim Hardie: Sheriff, when you and I look at a man that's the least bit suspicious, we take a close look so we can remember him if we have to. Evidently I didn't look close enough at that fellow the first time I saw him somewhere.

Cammy: Ford, if they don't kill ya, I'm gonna do it myself!

Ford: Yeah, promises, promises... hey, be cool kids! Okay? Let's just be cool here! I'm a firm believer in the teachings of Buddha, and like the fat man always said; first come, first served!

Chopstick Joe: Car is awaiting around the bend, Miss Detroyic

Arlette: de Lautrec.

Chopstick Joe: So sorry. If names do not have a Wong or Chang, I get all balled up.

Chopstick Joe: Now that you've got that body out of here, I can breathe again.

Lt. Leong: According to his papers, Ed Norton was the mate on the coastal freight Mandarin. I ask you again - did you know this man?

Vorick: I've told you "no". Now what you are getting at, Lieutenant?

Lt. Leong: Merely that where murder and violence are, there also is Mr. Vorick. Sometime we will prove this is no coincidence.

[Duke played solitaire while Jim Hardie killed a man with his bare hands]

Jim Hardie: Hard-hearted Duke Tolliver. Nothing bothers him.

Duke Tolliver: That's right.

Jim Hardie: Then why don't you play your red ten on that black jack?

Jordan Lubell: [after the test is announced] Man, I had three dates lined up for tonight... and now I have to cancel two.

[planning a robbery]

Doc Bell: I've noticed that a sock full of dirt has an anesthetic value if administered properly.

Steven Hyde: Well, I'm done with Jackie and I feel like a guy who had a 95 pound mole removed. A 95-pound, Donny-Osmond-loving, shoe-shopping, ice-capade-attending mole.

Red Forman: What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?

Fez: He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jack-booted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.

Red Forman: I didn't understand a word you said. But I heard "Nazi bastards", and that's good enough for me.

Bobby Wheeler: [Bobby helps Jim fill out his test] Have you ever experienced loss of consciousness, hallucinations, dizzy spells, convulsive disorders, fainting, or periods of loss of memory?

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Hasn't everyone?

Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: Put no.

Bobby Wheeler: Mental illness or narcotic addiction?

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: That's a tough choice.

Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: Put no!

Bobby Wheeler: OK, that's it! You ready for the test.

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: I thought that was the test!

Jeremiah Logart: Jim, you know I always pay my debts. How many times was it you saved me life - twice?

Jim Hardie: One time too many, I know that.

Bill Longley: Phillipsburg? Isn't that the town where they shoot preachers?

Doctor: Yeah. Seems to be a local custom.

Katie Beauchamp: [in a deep bass] Swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to carry me home! Swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to carry me home. Well I went down Jordan an' a what'd I see, comin' for to carry me home? A band of angels comin' after me, comin' for to carry me home!

Jeb Gaine: What are you tryin' to do - break my neck?

Beau McCloud: Maybe if you broke your jaw, we'd get some peace and quiet around here.

[Chopstick finds Terry and Burma kissing passionately in the middle of the street]

Chopstick Joe: The place is Tanzan, the hour three o'clock. I now return you to heaven.

Burma: Chops!

Chopstick Joe: I just didn't want my flyboy to become a fire hazard.

Louie De Palma: I hope you don't mind me saying this, but your mother is a very attractive woman. She's got some nice bagonzas.

Kid: What are bagonzas?

Louie De Palma: How old are you?

Kid: Twelve.

Louie De Palma: Bagonzas are feet!

Con Toole: It's only because of Judge Jefferson. He's due in on the southbound stage and I've got a little business with him.

Jim Hardie: Judge Jefferson? Is that the man who sent you away?

Con Toole: Yep, that's right, for two years - two long years I've thought about it. Decided I'd do a little judgin' myself and you know what? I've sentenced Judge Jefferson to die.

Crypt Keeper: [In the closing narration, after Carrie screamed at the evil Santa Claus who was holding an axe] Well, how was that for a scream boys and ghouls? Oh, don't worry about little Carrie. This particular Santa preferred older women... in pieces, that is.


Chopstick Joe: Some days, I've got a good mind to give up this business and go straight.

Marty DePolo: There is only one name for guys who date dolls!

Cindy: KEN!

Marty DePolo: Jessica Fishman just said 'Thanks, Steve', to you!

Steve Beauchamp: This is even better than the time she said 'Hi, Dave' to me!

Con Toole: Jim Hardie, you son of a gun, how have you been, huh?

Jim Hardie: Up to now, I was doin' just fine.

Con Toole: Oh, well now, I don't want to upset a body, Jim. This here ain't personal, you know.

Jim Hardie: When three men come at me with guns, I always take it personal.

Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: I'm so relaxed I can't remember what tension and unhappiness feel like.

Maid: There's a mister Louie De Palma here to see you.

Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: I just remembered.

Caleb Timmons: Hardie, I want this man.

Jim Hardie: Wells Fargo wants him, too.

Caleb Timmons: Wells Fargo wants the money - they can have it!

Jim Hardie: We also want Norris.

Caleb Timmons: Now look, mister, you aren't in no position to bargain.

Jim Hardie: No, I suppose I'm not. Since neither one of us has the man, it doesn't look like either is in too good of a bargaining position.

[Bill walks into a saloon where Jake Bricker is fighting four cowhands]

Bill Longley: You married?

Jake Bricker: No.

Bill Longley: I'm on your side!

Louie De Palma: Okay, who want's a really good cab today?

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: I do boss.

Louie De Palma: Good, I'm glad you do Iggy. You know the rules now.

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Okie doke. How much do you want?

Louie De Palma: $48,000.

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Okay, but if I'm gonna pay that kind of money I want a cab with a heater.

Conductor: The trouble isn't finding wher Belle Starr lives, it's taking her after you find her.

[first lines]

[Bill rescues a man from a pair of bushwhackers]

Reverend Kilgore: Thanks for your help.

Bill Longley: Don't you do any of your own fighting? Why didn't you pitch in? Where's your gun?

[Kilgore reaches into his coat and pulls out a Bible]

Bill Longley: ...Sorry, Reverend.

[Jim is down at the DMV taking his driver's test]

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Okay, here we go. Hey, uh, give me a little help on this one.

Tony Banta: You forgot your last name?

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: I've been busy.

Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: Well, what was your father's name?

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Ignatowski.

Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: Well, maybe that's your name too.

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: You know, I think you're right!

Alex Reiger: Good.

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Eyes?

Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: No, don't put two.

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: They mean color, don't they? What color are my eyes?

Bobby Wheeler: [staring into Jim's eyes] Elaine, do you want to take a stab at this one?

Elaine O'Connor-Nardo: Well, you can rule out white.

Alex Reiger: Call them brown.

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Okey doke. Let's see... height! I don't know, about five-ten?

[Bobby, Alex and Elaine nod in agreement]

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: Weight. This is a very relative question, because if I were in space, I'd be weightless.

Tony Banta: You are in space.

Alex Reiger: Jim, they mean earth weight.

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: This is the most reading I've done in years. My brown eyes hurt!

Jimmy Picket: Zombies! You can stick your dick in 'em, but you wouldn't wanna feed on 'em!

Hotshot Charlie: I'm Georgia Pettigrew.

Hotshot Charlie: Charles C. Charles, ma'am.

[indicates Terry]

Hotshot Charlie: Terence Lee, noted airplane driver.

Marty DePolo: Can your boyfriend do - THIS?

[zaps up flowers]

Sabrina Spellman: No, but he's on the football team.

Marty DePolo: Oh.

[throws away flowers]

Sheriff: Good old Frank - he lived a right long life.

Jim Hardie: Somebody ended it with a knife.

Terry Lee: Start at the prologue and keep going.

Chopstick Joe: Okay, you win. Have you ever heard of Lucky Laverne?

Hotshot Charlie: Heard, read and smelt. Stars and stripes' number one bad boy.

Jim Hardie: You owe me 82 dollars cash and a twenty dollar pistol.

Belle Starr: Well, you may get some of the pistol back... the bullets.

Ford: Not in my face! *Anywhere* but in my face!

Iris Crawford: I'm the kind of woman who wants the best man there is and who knows it when she sees him. Like you said, I'm a good-lookin' woman and the longer you're here, the better I'm going to look - especially with winter comin' on.

Bill Longley: What's that got to do with it?

Iris Crawford: During the winter we get snowed in, sometimes you can't leave the house for weeks.

Reverend Jim Ignatowski: I spent all my money on televisions? What am I, nuts?

Jeb Gaines: Jim, it came - that message from Sam Rogers.

Jim Hardie: [reading telegram] Dear Jim, you scoundrel, what's going on? Greg Stringer my trail boss, of course. Big, hard, honest and mean - mean enough to handle available saddle scum on a drive. Arriving soon as possible with a more thorough description of him... and a real thorough description of you.

[last lines]

Sheriff Ike Masters: Mr. Longley, I want to thank you for preventin' us from doing something wrong yesterday. Would you mind telling me how you caught onto Max Bowen?

Bill Longley: Well, first of all, Bowen was a little too anxious to shoot somebody. The banker was killed with a right-hand gun... Nick's left-handed.

Uncle Lou: You'd better sit down for this - a machine that makes bread!

Marty DePolo: [trying to look surprised] Wow.