The Storyteller: [to his dog] If you itch, you can think of me.

Dr. Carson Beckett: All of his vitals are stable. His body's reacting like it has been struck by a Wraith stunner.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: So you think once the initial shock is over we'll have the old McKay back>

Dr. Carson Beckett: I'm afraid so.

Jonas Quinn: You instructed every replicator out there to come to you?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I have a theory why you lost the war.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [about the Ancient knowledge in his mind] You can't handle it, can you?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [as Replicator Sam] I can. I just need time to process, share it with the others.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Like the universe it's infinite. It's not just knowledge and information, it's understanding on a level that you'll never reach.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [as Replicator Sam] Why do you think that?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Because you're a machine.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [as Replicator Sam] So are you. Just of weaker construction.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: And that's where you're wrong.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [as Replicator Sam] We'll see.

[SG1 has just been tortured by drug dealers]

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Look, for what it's worth, guys, sorry I dragged you into this.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [blasé] Oh, it happens all the time.

Cook: What's your trade, fool? It can be scratched on your gravestone.

The Storyteller: I am a teller of stories. A weaver of dreams. I can dance, sing and in the right wheather I can stand on my head. I know 7 words of Latin, I have a little magic...

[the guards lower their halberds to bar his way, the storyteller gestures them to remove the weapons]

The Storyteller: and a trick or two. I know the proper way to meet a dragon, I can fight dirty but not fair. I once swallowed thirty oysters in a minute. I am not domestic, I am a luxury and in that sense: necessary.

[after two white mice are burnt to black crisps during a test]

Maj. John Sheppard: I'm no scientist, but those mice used to be a different color.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [after being informed that the Replicators have reversed the effects of the Time-dillation device] Well I gotta tell ya, this changes things. Carter, how does this change things?

Major Samantha Carter: I don't know, sir... I guess it doesn't.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: You mean, we got the same problem we had an hour ago?

Major Samantha Carter: Well the difference is, in that hour, four days have passed for the replicators. Depending on when they did this, relatively speaking, they could have experienced hundreds of years.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I get it.

Thor: If you wish to reconsider...

Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, no. I full-well expected the other shoe to drop eventually.

Thor: We can only hope that this will be the last footwear to fall.

Daniel: Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?

Teal'c: I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.

Captain Kyle Rogers: You are all casualties until 1400 hours.

Jack O'Neill: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?

Derrick Blank: Tell us another meat story Stew!

Stew: Okay, here's a good one. I was working at the buthcer shop the other day and this guy comes in and I say 'Hey! You thinking about buying some steaks?' And he says 'No! I'm going to buy somes steaks, I'm thinking about Poontang'.

The Storyteller: Yes, yesterday I forgot a story. And that is why I went straight out and gave my supper to a beggar.

Storyteller's Dog: Our supper.

The Storyteller: Now of course, this will strike fools as foolish and wise men as wise. A fool eats his last potato, a wise man plants it. Apart from which everyone knows beggars are never what they seem.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Lieutenant, way to survive what I think may be my worst nightmare.

Lt. Laura Cadman: Thank you, sir!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, thank you!

[John smiles at Rodney sarcastically]

Ba'al: This one.

Jacob Carter/Selmak: How do you know?

Ba'al: I'm a god. Gods are all-knowing.

Sam Carter: You knew who Adrian Conrad was didn't you.

Jonas: Well I've memorized all of your mission reports. I just don't want people around here thinking I'm... strange.

Sam Carter: People don't think your strange.

Jonas: What about Colonel O'Neill?

Sam Carter: [pause] Let's get some lunch.

Mr. Chuck Noblet: [leading the "Obscurity Prayer" at the Ala-coholics meeting] Dear God, please give me the strength to blame those who did this to me, to accuse those who didn't, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The Storyteller: Yesterday, I was telling a marvelous tale of how the moon became round. And suddenly, as I reached the best bit, I couldn't remember what came next. I still can't. And staring at these expectend faces, I thought what will I do when there are no more stories in me? When the well runs dry? What use a storyteller without stories? And then I remembered a time when that was exactly what happened.

Dr. Carson Beckett: You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?

Dr. Rodney McKay: It is simply two adults sharing some friendly... yes, with a woman!

Craig Snow: So when you get fed up with lies and delusions, we'll make a place for you... we'll just tell somebody to leave.

The Storyteller: And the prince came back every day for a week. And the princess found she could smile again. A darling smile. A smile that wrapped all the way round her heart and his heart and squeezed them tight together. And the prince gave up speaking too, and they were content to simply sit and hug on that smile.

Winston Stone: Wait, wait -- your landlord put a padlock on your door?

Karly: Yeah, he's got this rent obsession.

Colonel Steven Caldwell: We don't have time to debate morality. Unfortunately sometimes you have to do unpleasant things to save lives.

Major Samantha Carter: Sir, I've been thinking.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'd be shocked if you ever stopped, Carter.

Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: Now, Jerri, I know you are having some family problems at home, but if you can't check your baggage at the door before rehearsal, then I will find someone else, somebody who doesn't have a family.

Audra: Is there someplace I can go to wash up? I had my hands inside a monkey today.

Winston Stone: Hey, easy on the sweet talk.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Elizabeth is including intel about infighting amongst the Wraith in today's status report.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Let's hope that trend continues. If they keep fighting like this, I'd be able to take a weekend off.

Jim: [laughing after Daniel just tried to attack him] There's nothing you can do. You don't have the power.

Oma Desala: But I do.

Jim: You can't kill me, either.

Oma Desala: I can fight you.

Jim: Well, you can't win.

Oma Desala: It won't matter. You won't be able to do anything but fight me back.

Jim: What're you gonna do?

Oma Desala: Something I should've done a long time ago.

[attacks Jim/Anubis]

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: [talking to Ba'al about the Replicators] I've got a better idea. Instead of helping you, why don't we sit back and watch you get your ass kicked. That way you'll be dead and we'll be glad.

Ba'al: You cannot be serious.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Yes I can. I just choose not to, some of the time.

Ba'al: With your insolence, you are dooming not just your world but all of humanity.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I think big.

[Ba'al leaves]

Craig Snow: You need to face the fact that your mother is an alcoholic, but Jerri, that doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

Jerri Blank: No, I've heard her say plenty of times she didn't love me.

Zoumboulia: Do you smell watermellon? Since the morning I've been smelling watermellon.

Fotis: It's my sun tan lotion.

Zoumboulia: No it's not. Watermellon!

Fotis: My sun tan lotion has a watermellon scent!

Zoumboulia: Well I'll be damned!

Fotis: Do you want me to put some on you?

Zoumboulia: Does it have seeds?

Dr. Bill Lee: What about the Daedelus? It's on a return voyage to the Milky Way. We could use them to relay the trans... ah no, wait... no way they're close enough, even with their long range transmitters.

Major General Hank Landry: You'll find another way to get the message to them.

Dr. Bill Lee: I will?

Major General Hank Landry: Of course you will. It's what I pay you for.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I'm sorry. You said we had a problem, not a big galactic emergency.

Sara Blank: And here's my one-woman production of "Twelve Angry Men"

Spiros: [after pulling Elena, the minister's secretary from the rooftop] Quick, we don't have much time!

Alexis: For what?

Spiros: We have to get to the next rooftop!

Alexis: Why? Do we have to pull another one?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Beckett's the best doctor in two galaxies.

Major Samantha Carter: [incredulously] So what? We call Anubis up and *ask* him to stop?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah. "Hey, Anubis. This is your agent. You're playing it way over the top. Can you get serious, please?"

Chuck Noblet: Before we leave, THAT is Ricky, he's a new student here at Flatpoint... Now I want you to treat Ricky like you would any other student you know nothing about and who evidently feels he can walk into my classroom in the middle of the semester and expect me to change my lesson plan.

Dalia Hatzialexandrou: [Aggela decides to drive the car even though she doesn't have a drivers licence. She has driven once before however... ] Aggela you're speeding! Can't she hear what I'm saying?

Fotis: We're going faster than the speed of light that's why!

Dalia Hatzialexandrou: Aggela where did you learn to drive?

Aggela: I worked at an amusement park one summer.

Dalia Hatzialexandrou: What part?

Aggela: At the bumper cars!

Dr. Rodney McKay: What the hell happened?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We got gassed.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Are we in some sort of trouble?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Was it the gas or the prison cell that was your first clue?

Jonas Quinn: [walking with Carter] Still, I'm usually much better at reading people.

Colonel Chekov: [walks up angrily] Major! Why was I not informed about the X-302?

Jonas Quinn: For example, it might not be that obvious to everyone, but this man is actually very upset.

Jerri Blank: If only I could see what it's like to be blind!

Fotis: Who's going to go to the reception at "Metropolis Palace"? We were supposed to go together.

Frida: I'm going to go, since I already bought a dress yesterday specifically for the occasion.

Fotis: And why don't you wear the one you wore at Christmas?

Frida: What Christmas?

Fotis: The first one in Bethlehem.

Ronon Dex: I just want to know who thinks I'm not a threat and give them a chance to change their mind.

Anubis: You are the one they call Thor. I am Anubis.

Thor: As I have told your lieutenant, I will reveal nothing to you.

Anubis: [holds up a round device with spikes on it] This device will be implanted into your brain, it will form a link between your mind and the ship's computer. Your knowledge will simply be downloaded into our memory banks. You will no doubt resist, and you will no doubt fail.

Thor: The Goa'uld possess no such technology.

Anubis: [turns to show his face is nothing but blackness] I think you will find many things have changed since my return.

The Storyteller: And for a day and a night the princess ran, stumbled, fled untill she dropped. Dropped into a dead sleep. And when she woke she saw three ravens before her. Or perhaps she dreamt it, because they spoke to her. 'Sister' they seemed to say, 'we are trapped, help us'.

Princess: How? How can I help you?

The Storyteller: You must keep silent. You must not speak to a single soul for three years, three months, three weeks and three days. Only then can the spell be broken.

Princess: Then I shall not speak.

Geoffrey Jellineck: Fine, I'll go now, but I'm not leaving.

Frida: Can you hear what he's saying? And just think, we grew up together...

Fotis: What? When I was born, you were on your high school 5 day trip!

Frida: If you make one more comment about my age...

Fotis: Which is?

Frida: 26

Thomas Voulinos: Frida...

Frida: 26 and I'm not negotiating it!

Thomas Voulinos: Ok to strangers, but we are family.

Frida: Uncle I'm 26. I'm not going to say it again.

Fotis: Yeah dad. She's been telling you for 10 years!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, that was refreshing! He didn't try to kill us even once!

Anubis: I am Anubis!

Major Samantha Carter: Looks like a hologram projection, sir.

Anubis: Humans of the Tau'ri, your end of days finally approaches. There will be no mercy.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [to Carter] Oh, come on, who talks like that?

Major Samantha Carter: Sir, this is Asgard technology. He must have downloaded it from Thor

Anubis: You will bow to my awesome power. There is nothing that can stop the destruction I bring upon you. Prepare to meet your doom.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, please!

Jerri Blank: Hey, don't you want to know happened at school today?

Sara Blank: All right. What happened in school today?

Jerri Blank: Mr. Noblet ...

Sara Blank: I was talking to Derrick. Derrick?

Derrick Blank: Well, I punched this loser in the head - he was coming out of study hall - I blindsided him. He never even saw it coming.

[Jerri giggles]

Sara Blank: That's very nice, Derrick. Okay Jerri, now why don't you make it quick?

Jerri Blank: Someone punched me in the head when I was coming out of study hall today. Blindsided me - never saw it coming!

Marilena: My great-grand father, Iasonas Dorkofikis was Greece's Consul General in France.

Zoumboulia Abatzidou: Is that him?

[showing the statue of Budha]

Zouboulia's daughter: Mom,this is Budha.

Zoumboulia Abatzidou: Koudas? The football player? How did he get so fat? Just like Maradona.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You know, I'm not sure that you've sufficiently trained me in actual combat. I-I-I don't know how much use I'd be in a fight-our-way-out kind of scenario.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I look at it this way: the Genii have tried to kidnap you on numerous occasions to mine that big old brain of yours.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, if we get into trouble, I'll just trade your life for mine.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, funny.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Don't worry: if you survive, I'll mount some sort of rescue mission... eventually.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: You know, you blow up one sun and suddenly everyone expects you to walk on water.

[Referring to Jerri's colored friend, Sydney]

Sara Blank: Who's your cute young ethnic friend, Derrick?

Derrick Blank: Oh, she's with Jerri.

Sara Blank: [to Sydney] Get out!

Sister Allison MacKenzie: You're not religious, are you?

Stingray: I am, in my own way. I've seen a lot of evil. Here, all over the world. The horror of war, injustice. If I have a religion, I guess my religion is my belief in the inherent good of all people... and having faith in that belief. Sometimes it takes all the strength that I have.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do I make you nervous?

Ladon Radim: Not at all, Major. I'm just not interested in talking to the errand boy.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's Lieutenant Colonel Errand Boy to you.

Teal'c: In which case, our chances of escape are negligible.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, I don't know. All we gotta do is bust outta here, take out every Jaffa between here and the Pel'tak, commandeer the ship and fly on home.

Teal'c: [dryly] I stand corrected.

Jerri Blank: Why do we have to car pool with the Fagonokolises? They smell like feta cheese!

Orlando Pinatubo: I like the car pool. The Fagonokolises are good people.

Jerri Blank: Good people? They're Greeks, and Greeks are just Jews without money.

Sister Allison MacKenzie: You haven't told me anything about yourself.

Stingray: There's nothing to tell.

Sister Allison MacKenzie: That's not fair. You're telling me you don't have a past?

Stingray: The past is so long ago, I can't remember.

Maj. John Sheppard: Did Ronon shoot me?

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: You had it coming.

Jack O'Neill: Hey, how come you're not downstairs with the rest of the eggheads? Not that you're an egghead. Well, you are actually. But in a good way.

Samantha Carter: I couldn't think down there. They all kept looking at me for the answer.

Jack O'Neill: Well you do have a penchant for pulling brilliant ideas out of your butt - head. Out of your head, when we need them.

Mitch Brand: [after seeing the guitar strings break and fingers bloody] I'll just keep playing.

Himself - Host: [laughing] Yeah. That's what Hendrix said.

Witch: [chanting a chill curse] The shirt will hurt, the wings will sting, the beak will schriek, the eyes will cry.

Dr. Jimmy Monroe: Are you okay, Ray?

Stingray: Couldn't be better.

Dr. Jimmy Monroe: You didn't just drop by because you've seen the light.

Stingray: I'm still looking for the matches.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: How are you?

Maj. John Sheppard: My body's mutating into a bug. How are you?

[Teal'c has started hallucinating about his wife]

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Woman? D-Did he just call me a-a-a woman?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes, I believe he did.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: The theory holds that anything that can happen, will happen. If not in this reality, than in another.

Cameron Mitchell: So you're saying that somewhere in an alternate universe, I got to second base with Amy Vandenberg?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [annoyed] Theoretically, yes.

Vaughn Pearson: Hey, Dad, we messed up some experiment at school and kids are turning green, can I come home?

Sister Allison MacKenzie: I'll owe you a favor?

Stingray: Exactly.

Sister Allison MacKenzie: How very mysterious.

Stingray: It's a curse I live with.

Dr. Rodney McKay: What am I? MacGyver? Fix it with what?

Jack O'Neill: Well, that sounds ominous...

[O'Neill is trying to convince the people of K'tau that their god will not save them]

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hi, folks, listen. You all know Freyr, right? Big guy, kinda good-lookin', lot of fancy gold armor?

[everyone says yes]

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, here's a flash for ya. That's *not* what he looks like.

Elrad: What do you mean?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: He's an alien who's been pretending to be your god. He doesn't have a Chariot. He's got a spaceship! Spaceship. Big machine like the one we were building. Only his is way better... and not blown up. I'm not kidding you, folks. This little fella is about three feet tall, got clammy gray skin, big black eyes, and skinny, tiny little arms and legs, like toothpicks.

Josie Trent: [to Professor Z] In theory, you can molecularly deconstruct anything. Plants, chewing gum, even something less complex, like a science teacher.

Ronnie Richardson: The drug squad is so deep in my pockets, they scratch my balls when I ask them to.

Male Wraith: [Sipping a glass of wine] I think this is my favorite vintage yet.

Magistrate: I hope you find the food acceptable as well. My new chef is quite accomplished.

Male Wraith: I certainly hope so. Your previous chef unfortunately proved to be far more appetizing than the meals he prepared.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I have great confidence in you Carter. Go on back to the SGC and... confuse Hammond.

Josie Trent: [after she has shrunk, to science club] OK, freak show's over. And if you must know, you all have really big, fat heads from here.

Brian Miller: [snooping through Bill's wallet] One hundred sixty-five pounds? Yeah, maybe on the moon!

Eldon: The technology on this ship is far more advanced than the Olesians.

Dr. Rodney McKay: How ironic then to have been shot down by the cast of Braveheart.

Harlan: Hubald, he was the creator of all this, but he died very early - too early. Took many secrets with him, so long ago.

Jack O'Neill: How long, exactly?

Harlan: Uh, exactly? 99,207,000 of your... hours.

Jack O'Neill: [immediately] Well, that's 11,000 years.

Samantha Carter: How did *you* know that?

Jack O'Neill: That's right?

Samantha Carter: [calculating] Yeah.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait, how did *you* know that?

Jacob Carter/Selmak: My relationship with the counsel's still a little strained.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: It's not gonna get any better if you keep stealin' stuff. No complaints. I'll take anything I can get: weapons, receivers, silverware.

Josie Trent: It was all a misunderstanding. Wendy and I were practing for the school play!

Principal Amanda Durst: We don't have a school play.

Judy Miller: Bill, these PTA people are great! They laugh at every stupid thing I say.

Bill: Yeah, they're not bad. I guess we can't call them PTA-holes anymore.

Torrell: I could kill you, but you strike me as the type of man who despite being weak outside harbors strength of character he doesn't even know he has.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry, is there a compliment in there?

Jack O'Neill: We came here in peace... we expect to go in one... piece.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [to Carter after the sun returns to normal] Am I having a stroke?

Corrine: [seeing three-inch-tall Josie on her desk] YIKES! Josie! Y-You're TINY!

Josie Trent: And how much of your 172 IQ did you have to use to figure THAT out?

Lauren Miller: Why is it so hot out?

Bill: Because your mother and I used a lot of hairspray in the Eighties.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Leave it to convicts to know the best way to tie people up.

Ronon Dex: Well, eventually I will get free and when I do, he's gonna pay for this.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Now listen to me. When you get free, you get us free and we all get out of here. Let 'em find out we're gone after we're gone.

Ronon Dex: You're expecting me to let them get away with this?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The operative words are "get away".

Ronon Dex: After I kill them!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That type of thinking will get us killed.

Ronon Dex: Well, if you had returned fire...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The weapons systems were damaged.

Ronon Dex: If you say so.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I do say so, and right now I'm saying knock it off.

Ronon Dex: Is that an order, Sheppard?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I am beat up, tied up, and couldn't order a pizza right now if I wanted to. But if you need it to be, yeah it's an order.

Colonel Harry Maybourne: Teal'c. It's good to see you well.

Teal'c: In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [reviewing the files of new candidates] I can be as diplomatic and open-minded as anyone. Hammond is insisting SG-1 needs a socio-political nerd to offset our overwhelming coolness.

Vaughn Pearson: [to Josie] You're bold, smart, you hate everything that's phoney. You're like no-one else I know."

Bill: [Visting a religious family's house, Bill sees a picture of Jesus] Man, these people sure do love that Kenny Loggins.

Lauren Miller: Dad, that's GOD.

Bill: Eh, he won a few Grammys, nothing really special.

Maj. John Sheppard: How much time do you need to rework the D.H.D.?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, in a perfect world, two days.

Maj. John Sheppard: Rodney!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Right now - ten minutes, give or take.

Samantha Carter: And the high priest turns a series of calibrated rings which seem to determine meteorological conditions over the entire planet's surface.

General Hammond: Do we have any idea what makes it tick?

Jack O'Neill: That's why we'd like to go back, sir. Carter wants to get a closer look with some of her specialized do-hickeys.

General Hammond: Do-hickeys?

Jack O'Neill: I believe that's the technical term, sir.

Major General George Hammond: I thought the odds of success for this scenario were one in a million, Major?

Major Samantha Carter: Yes, sir. But I now think that we can increase that estimate to one percent.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: It's your call, General. I only understand about one percent of what she says half the time.

Madison: Drop the muffin and walk away.

Judy: Lauren, do you have any idea what your brother's been doing with all his money?

Lauren Miller: Apparently, not hiding it as well as I hide mine.

Bill: You have money?

Lauren Miller: No.

Judy: It's under her mattress.

Lauren Miller: No it's not!

Ronon Dex: [after Sheppard, Teyla, Rodney, and Ronon are held captive, Ronon is trying to get out of his hand restraints] I think they're loosening.

Maj. John Sheppard: Take it easy, Chewie - You're gonna cut your damn hands off!

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: So... what brings you to this neck of the woods, on such a fine day, in my backyard?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Well actually, I've been sitting in your driveway for the last ten minutes, trying to work up the nerve to come and talk to you. The truth is, I've been trying to work up the nerve for a lot longer than that.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Oh?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Pete put a downpayment down on a house. It's a beautiful house. But... The truth is, I'm having second thoughts about the wedding.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Why?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: See, the thing is, the closer it gets, the more I get the feeling that... I'm making a big, huge mistake.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Look Carter, I don't know what...

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: I'm sorry to bother you with this but, see, there's actually a good reason that I'm bothering you with this and if I don't tell you now, I might never...

Kerry Johnson: Jack, I looked everywhere, but I could not... Colonel Carter!

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [coldly] Miss Johnson.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: We were just meeting here, in my backyard on this fine day to discuss the state of affairs.

[splashes beer everywhere]

Kerry Johnson: Well this is awkward.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Ya think?