The Tick: [trying to convince a hesitant Arthur to take on Apocalypse Cow] Fight fire with Arthur!
The Tick: [Arthur is getting pummeled by a bunch of goons] I sure would like a slice of your righteous combat pie.
Arthur: [weakly] Help!
The Tick: Awww Gee Thanks!
Quate: You should have checked their credentials. You should have made doubly sure. This is all your bungling!
Chopstick Joe: Look, Chumley, I run Air Cathay, not Scotland Yard. I don't ask for fingerprints.
Judge Whittaker: Well, go ahead, but break it to her gently.
Bill Longley: Mrs. Crawford, I, uh... You're the prettiest widow I've ever seen.
Chopstick Joe: Just 'cause a couple of schmos ask for you plane, you gotta give it to them?
Hotshot Charlie: Look, look, I said I'd fly for you, not die for you.
Bill Longley: Aren't you Jack Hastings - Wild Jack Hastings?
Wild Jack Hastings: I used to be. Now I...
Bill Longley: You're lucky.
[gesturing with an arm whose hand has been amputated]
Wild Jack Hastings: You got a funny way of lookin' at things, Mr. Longley. Ned Buntline, he once wrote a dime novel about me. Now I - now I sweep out stables to keep from starvin'.
Bill Longley: He wrote about Hickok - Bill's dead. So's King Fisher, Ben Thompson, Sam Bass - they're all gone. I still say you're lucky.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Don't you like anything cheap?
Kitty Forman: I like you.
[about redoing the basement]
Leo: Okay, we're all done.
Kitty Forman: But you've only been here a day.
Leo: You know what they say, Rome was built in a day.
Reginald "Red" Forman: No... Rome wasn't built in a day.
Leo: Oh... Your basement was built in a day.
Theo: Look. It's art. I moved everything in this basement two inches to the left.
Kitty Forman: Oh yeah.
Theo: I call it "Basement, two inches to the left".
Sam Chase: What are we waitin' for? I've got the rope!
Bill Longley: Then put it back, 'cause you're not going to use it.
[Hotshot delivers the roosters to the Dragon Lady]
Hotshot Charlie: Not rain, wind, sleet or hijackers can keep these couriers from their appointed rounds.
Wild Jack Tobin: El Sombro has run the whole border, including Rio Nada, and yet nobody knows who he is.
Bill Longley: Well, closing Rio Nada has pinched him where it hurt. It'll force him to a showdown and I've got a hunch that it will be soon.
Anne Banner: And that'll be the end of your job here, Bill?
Bill Longley: My job ends when the people of this town stand up to El Sombro and his kind.
Sam Kerrigan: I hope what I said didn't influence you any.
Bill Longley: No, just starting thinking.
Sam Kerrigan: What?
Bill Longley: The best way to prevent people from chasin' you is don't run.
[Bill has just arrested Craven for shooting his deputy]
Poker Alice: Take him over to my place. We'll get a doctor.
Bill Longley: He'll do better somewhere else. Take him to Sheriff Tobin's.
Poker Alice: Craven was on his own, Bill! You must know that.
Bill Longley: Yeah. He'll hang on his own, too.
[Sam organizes a lynch mob]
Sam Chase: I'm going to get a piece of rope and there's cartridges for anyone who needs 'em.
Sam Kerrigan: You can't hardly throw a stone around here without hitting a Cade of some kind. They're a big family and thick as snakes in a nest.
Bill Longley: Think I might get snakebit?
Terry Lee: I mean Chops and the Dragon Lady. If they figure with a couple of roosters, then it's dollars to doughnuts it's more than roosters that figure.
Hotshot Charlie: They're two of the sharpest guessers in the business - shady that is.
Eric Forman: Hey Fez, does that costume come with a unicycle pump?
Donna Pinciotti: Well, you should talk. That shirt makes you look like a fruit-striped gum.
Eric Forman: God, what did you eat for breakfast? Carnation-instant bitch?
Bill Longley: You ridin' on soon, Brazos?
Brazos Kid: Well, there's only one thing stoppin' me from doin' just that. Her name's Annie.
Bill Longley: And how long do you think she'll keep you here?
Brazos Kid: I reckon I could ask you the same question, Bill. I think it's pretty clear we fell the same way about her.
Bill Longley: Jealous, Brazos?
Brazos Kid: No, not tonight. I'm going to ask Anne to marry me. Let's see you top that play, Bill!
Bill Longley: [to Nick] You offered to buy me a drink a while ago; I'll take it. Looks like we're in for a long talk and my throat needs lubricating.
Chopstick Joe: My cousin! My cousin, Ah Kee!
[Chopstick and Ah Kee embrace]
Chopstick Joe: But you did a bad thing. You got caught!
Raven: You know somethin' honey, if I had a dollar for every time you stood in the mirror admirin' your face, I could get off these streets and retire to the Bahamas.
Sylvia Vane: Yeah, well this face is my meal ticket, honey. I'm cold, let's go get some coffee.
Raven: I don't know 'bout you, but my shit's *always* hot!
Minister: I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Bill Longley: [to Masters] Kiss the bride.
[a posse pursuing a bank robber halts at the Mexican border]
Sheriff Ike Masters: We can't cross into Mexico.
Bill Longley: He did.
Ben Cushman: Oh, come on, let's take a chance.
Max Bowen: Hold on, Ben. You heard Ike - we got no right to cross the border.
Bill Longley: Neither did my eight thousand.
[Hotshot and Terry hear the door of their in-flight cargo plane being shut]
Hotshot Charlie: What are you doing by that door?
Ah Kee: Close door - rooster fell out.
Terry Lee: What's up, Chaz?
Hotshot Charlie: Roosters at seven o'clock.
Crypt Keeper: Poor Sylvia, eh, kiddies? Guess she heard the old saying, "if looks could kill"... so she did! Haha! Just goes to show ya, if you wanna sell yourself, take a look in the mirror, first.
[the Crypt Keeper looks at his own reflection]
Crypt Keeper: Eurgh! Well, see you next time, boys and ghouls!
Jebb Kilmer: You remember me.
Bill Longley: Yeah, I remember you. You used to hide behind marked cards; now it's hired guns.
Jebb Kilmer: He's just the bait; they're insurance. When the time comes, I'll do the job myself.
Neil Pearce: I guess I'll never get a notch on my gun.
Bill Longley: A fella can get a notch on his gun by not pullin' the trigger.
[the Dragon Lady throws a knife at Terry, which just misses him]
Terry Lee: I get the point, lady. You don't have to throw it at me.
Bill Longley: What makes you think I'd help the kid or Pearce... or you?
Charlotta Rivera: Rim Rock.
[discussing Thompson's vocation as a bounty hunter]
Bill Longley: I always wanted to meet a man in your line - you're inside the law, yet you're outside it.
Clay Thompson: Nothin' to it, Bill. Marshals and sheriffs, they can't operate beyond their own boundaries. You know that. Say, you got a cup? Have some coffee. I wore a badge once. Lets say I got tired of short pay and those boundaries... tired of seein' killers get away with murder.
Bill Longley: I wonder which one bothers you the most - the short money or the killers getting away.
Danny Darwin: So what's the deal with your eye, man?
Farouche: [lifts up eyepatch] This? This was payment for a tattoo I did for Baby Doc when he was running Haiti. He didn't like the story his body had to tell, so he took out my eye with a salad fork.
Jebb Kilmer: I lie for you, I get you out of jail, give you more money than you'll ever see to do a simple job - you bellyache. What kind of man are you?
Warren Masters: I've been asked that question before and I didn't know the answer.
Jebb Kilmer: Well, you better find out. If you need any help, take out that two thousand and look at it and remember you got it to rile Longley to come after you!
Bill Longley: I understand there was a killing in here. The man who did it called himself Bill Longley.
Juan Auza: Si, senor, but it was not his fault. He is your brother?
Bill Longley: No, the resemblance is only skin deep - no relative.
Sheriff Sam Bofert: I don't want any trouble.
Bill Longley: Sam, there's no place in this entire world you won't find some kind of trouble. All right, so you got drunk outside of Nashville. You had three years of fightin'. You were tired, cold, hungry; you opened a bottle. Well, you want to know somethin'? I opened a bottle that night. That's right, I opened a bottle, too. There's only one difference between you and me, Sergeant - you were caught.
Chopstick Joe: Do you ever stop to think of the drama contained in one sack of mail? Comedy, drama, tragedy, adventure, intrigue... money... diamonds.
[discussing peach trees]
Ramirez: It is a wonderful tree. In the spring, it makes flowers and this is good for the eyes, and in the summer it makes fruit and this is good for the stomach.
Bill Longley: And the winter, when it's stripped and bare/
Ramirez: It tells us we must die so we can live again.
Terry Lee: Is there any place in China you don't have a cousin? They pop up like weeds all over the place.
Chopstick Joe: We're a very large family. I had a widely traveled grandparent.
Sylvia Vane: All I want is a simple answer to a simple question... what is happening to my face?
Doctor: Well, you're under a great deal of stress...
Sylvia Vane: Oh, you figured that out? Look at me! 48 hours ago, I could have had any man I wanted, now I can't even get arrested! I'm 21 years old! What am I gonna look like tomorrow?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: What's wrong, Frank?
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: How d'you mean?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You. You're falling part.
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: Rubbish!
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: It's not rubbish. You're walking through it. Is there something wrong?
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: I've got a lot on.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Nah. There's more to it than that.
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: Look, I've got a Board coming up. Taylor's been shot. Willoughby's sick. You know how busy we are.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: And...
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: [reluctantly] And Doreen's disappeared.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: What? You think she's been abducted?
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: No. It's been going on for some time - months.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Well, why didn't you say?
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: It's not exactly the sort of thing you go shouting from the rooftops, is it? You know: "Haskins, the one with the dodgy wife".
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Well, what are you going to do?
[Haskins shakes his head in desperation and walks off]
Warren Masters: I said, you've got to trust me!
Mary Lou Martin: How can I trust you? Using another man's name, hiding behind his reputation, taking advantage of his friends - what kind of man are you?
Warren Masters: I-I don't rightly know.
Mary Lou Martin: Well, you'd best find out - and don't come back until you do!
Sheriff Winters: I'm sorry I inconvenienced you, Mr. Longley.
Bill Longley: That's all right. I'll make up for it when I catch up with my gallant matched friend.
Ed Martin: You just bring him back here. I want five minutes alone.
Bill Longley: I get the first five minutes - after that it won't matter.
Bill Longley: Havin' nothin' but a gun in your hand can be a lonesome thing. Lonesome is all the time.
Hotshot Charlie: Wang Wang intimated that if I didn't pay up...
Burma: I know - you'll never live it down.
Hotshot Charlie: Live, period... exclamation point!
Sylvia Vane: I thought you weren't interested?
Pawnbroker: I ain't interested in them things, but I can see you got somethin' that's worth a whole lot more.
Sylvia Vane: Sorry, old man. I just retired from that business.
Neil Pearce: You made a fool out of me in there.
Bill Longley: I could have made you good and dead. Why'd you do it?
Neil Pearce: Haven't you heard, Mister? You're not considered a man around here until you've got a notch on your gun.
Bill Longley: Any brandy?
Jake, the Bartender: Some.
Bill Longley: Peach?
[the bartender hands Bill a dusty bottle]
Bill Longley: Looks like you don't get much call for this.
Bert Gorman: Maybe folks in this town ain't got your taste for peaches. They got no taste for meddlers, either.
Burma: Why did you come knocking at my door? Trouble?
Hotshot Charlie: Up to here. I spent all night at Wang Wang's.
Burma: Win, lose or draw?
Hotshot Charlie: My luck was even - all bad. I mortgaged myself into the next generation.
Burma: [pouring tea] One lump or two?
Hotshot Charlie: Lumps - that's what I deserve.
Hotshot Charlie: You know, this should rate a few headlines back home. Charles C. Charles, intrepid aviator, makes a daring mercy flight to plague-ridden interior of China.
Terry Lee: Just so long as it isn't an obituary, chum.
Hotshot Charlie: Huh?
Terry Lee: From typhus people die, you know.
Elaine: Now look, I don't wanna have to call security. What am I saying? I'd love to call security.
Sheriff: All right, suppose you tell me why anyone would go to all that trouble just to get run out of town?
Bill Longley: I don't know, but I'll tell you this - I'm not going to stop until I find out.
Sheriff: [to Ludwig] He done any more damage?
Ludwig: Not even a broken glass.
Sheriff: [to Longley] All right, since you didn't come here today lookin' for trouble, I'll give you a chance to go look for yourself.
Ramirez: Fruit trees, senor. I have waited a long time for them. They are peach trees from the mission in San Francisco. You like peach trees, senor?
Bill Longley: I like peach trees. Don't water 'em too much.
Chopstick Joe: Remember, Dragon Lady, confidence is the keynote.
Dragon Lady: I prefer your bank note, my dear Chopstick.
[Longley shoots one of the murderers and Varga identifies the other three perpetrators]
Drake: Thank you, Mr. Longley.
Bill Longley: Don't thank me; he saved your town.
Joseph Varga: After all, it's my town, too.
Walt Pearce: [to Neil] I should have given you a darning needle instead of a gun. You shoulda been a girl.
Doc Morton: Now then, the vital statistics. Saves a lot of argument if we put 'em all down. Name?
Maria Sammett: James Felipe - for all his grandfathers.
Doc Morton: Time of birth? Well, I guess midnight's close enough. Date? What's the date?
Bill Longley: December 25th.
Dragon Lady: Come here on Saturday and I shall deliver the Dutch diamonds. Also, bring the money.
Chopstick Joe: The cool green for the hot ice - a fair exchange.
Kitty Forman: What if it's a burglar?
Reginald "Red" Forman: What would a burglar want to steal from us?
Wade Clinton: You the law, Texan?
Bill Longley: When a man sees is friend murdered in cold blood, that makes him want to do something about it. I guess that's where laws come from.
Walt Pearce: Well, what did you do about it?
Neil Pearce: Nothin'.
Walt Pearce: That's the kind of son I got. You know, when I was your age, I already had two notches on my gun.
Dolly Mathews: Your eyes, your mouth... no question about it - looks like we got us another Big Jim.
Big Jim Sammett: Don't want another Big Jim; coulda lot more used a Little Jim... and Little Jim's gonna do big things.
Dragon Lady: You do not have to use buttered words, my friend. I know you; I trust you as far as a tombstone can be thrown.
Orin McKnight: It's my fault. It's all my fault what happened. I drove Stuart away like I did his mother. I'm a bullheaded man, Mr. Longley. I'm too bullheaded for my own good or for anybody. Big man, big ranch, big house - but it's a cold house, it's onery, it's a black house and Stuart could feel that.
Bill Longley: I don't think he felt that way.
Terry Lee: I'm dog tired. I want to sleep for a week. I don't want to talk, see or get near planes.
Chopstick Joe: Or beautiful blondes.
[Burma enters the office]
Terry Lee: Or beautiful... blondes?
Burma: Present company excepted, I hope.
Hotshot Charlie: Oh, we can always catch up on our beauty rest.
Terry Lee: First, the beauty.
[Terry kisses Burma passionately]
Burma: Terry, darling, you're my hero.
Hotshot Charlie: Me, too. I'm a hero!
[Burma kisses Hotshot]
Chopstick Joe: If you're passing out gratitude, don't forget me.
[Terry, Hotshot and Burma walk out of the office arm in arm]
Chopstick Joe: She forgot.
DS Tom Daniels: You heard about the lift? It won't be working for at least another week.
[as an insult, talking about the lift maintenance man's testicles]
Eve Fisher: I hope they drop off and roll down a drain!
Wade Clinton: He was callin' me names. I was just teachin' him a lesson.
Bill Longley: All right, teacher, school's closed.
[Orin gives Ruth a large box]
Orin McKnight: It's somethin' I bought you. It's a dress. The moment that Clara what's-her-name showed me a picture of it in a magazine, I could see you wearin' it.
Ruth McKnight: It was very nice of you, Orin.
Orin McKnight: I didn't get it on account of what happened yesterday. You can ask Clara. I ordered it three weeks ago... What's the matter?
Ruth McKnight: Nothing. I'm going to try it on. I've been waiting four weeks - ever since I gave that magazine to Clara.
[Bill has fought past three of Big Jim's henchman to reach his office]
Bill Longley: Now I promised Maria I'd bring the doctor.
Big Jim Sammett: You're welcome to try.
Bill Longley: And I told the doctor I'd bring you. Seems he needs your personal permission.
Big Jim Sammett: And if I won't give in?
Bill Longley: Then he won't need it. You'll be dead.
Big Jim Sammett: You hold the cards; I have no gun.
Big Jim Sammett: You had three of 'em. Now, let's go.
Jimmy Wong: And it goes without saying how grateful I am to all of you.
Hotshot Charlie: Well, just don't go without saying it. We're always glad to help when there's a beautiful blonde in the picture.
Crypt Keeper: [looking into a mirror] Mirror, mirror, on the wall... who's the *fearest* of them all?
[the mirror shatters and the Crypt Keeper cackles]
Crypt Keeper: Looks like I just bought 7 years' bad luck! Speaking of bad luck, it's time for another nasty little terror tale from my crawly collection... and this one's got a message, too. It's a story about greed, death and a girl, who learned that beauty... is Only Sin Deep!
[the previous day, when a villain threatened Regan with a broken bottle, Regan froze for a moment. Now he wonders if he is getting too old to do the job]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I'm overweight - you know that, George?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Is this strictly relevant?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I drink too much, I smoke too much. Most of the time I sit on my arse, and when I'm not doing that, I'm chasing after some lunatic whose sole intention, given half the chance, is to smash me bloody head in.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: That is, if you manage to get there on time.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Right.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: You're not still going on about the other day, are you?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: It happened, though, didn't it? And d'you know why?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: [humourously] Your trousers fell down!
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Consequences, George. For one split second I thought of the consequences. For one split second I looked at that bottle in his hand, and I thought "If he uses that and I'm too slow...".
Tug Swann: Looks like the blue chips are down.
Rush: What are we playin'?
Tug Swann: Bill Longley.
Doc Morton: I can't work scared. If anything went wrong...
Bill Longley: All right, you wait here, I'll get you a license to practice... and Doc, if you're not here when I get back, you're gonna have two of us to worry about.
Burma: This is really out of a dime novel!
Pyzon: It's dollars - lots of dollars.
Crypt Keeper: Ah, there you are! You're just in time! I'm trying a few new recipes from my new Betty Croaker's cookbook. I hope you like shish-ka-bob... damn! It isn't ready yet! Bob's still moving!
Crypt Keeper: Tonight's foul feast will begin with mashed potatoes, then onto some shrieking duck and finished with a nice kill-basa. I call this tasty tidbit, Mournin' Mess.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: D'you know where Red is?
Jo: You never stop, do you?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Stop?
Jo: You're like a little clockwork ferret - wind you up, point you in the right direction and off you run.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I stop when they stop. That's the the name of the game.